That's not charity

Motives. We all have them. We do things for other people for ourselves or do things for ourselves for other people. We try and calm down because someone we like said we were too crazy and we want to impress them. We turn everything in on time so that our teachers will like who we are as a student. We smile so someone will take a picture, joke around so people will think we're cool, talk so that people will listen to us. Every decision we make is motivated by, well, a motive.

I am not going to say that this is a bad thing. We need to have a reason to do things because it is a lot easier to just do nothing. What I am going I say is that, in situations when your motives are not pure, it IS better to just do nothing. If you are helping others for your own benefit, you are skipping over the "helping others" part and really just "helping yourself". That is selfish. That is wrong. That makes me sick to my stomach. Selfish motives are the reason people have so much doubt in the human race.

The person who goes to a food pantry to feed the hungry, on the outside, appears to be doing a great thing. But the minute he whips out the volunteer form for the club he is only in to stack on his resume and asks to have it signed by the adult in charge, he appears greedy and detached.

So, in short, before we do things, we should ask why we are doing them. Because if the reason isn't honestly to better the people around us and the world we live in, than it is probably not worth doing.

Furthermore, next time someone does anything for you, I challenge you to check their motives. Although they may be completely genuine, it is also likely that they are kissing up to you or someone who is watching. You really do not know someone until you know exactly what is motivating each and every decision he makes. That is, in my opinion, the best judgement of character-- not what someone does, but why they do it.

And, readers, of all people, I know I am guilty of what I just accused. We all are. But I am trying to work on only doing good things for good reasons and encourage you to do the same.



And no. "I need the points for NHS" is not a good reason.

Thirteen things to do everyday

1. Help more people than you hurt

2. Make ten people smile

3. Thank someone. Better yet, thank everyone

4. Find something beautiful

5. Do something terrifying

6. Meet someone new

7. Go barefoot

8. Drink eight glasses of water

9. Do something you couldn't do yesterday

10. Learn at least five new things

11. Help a stranger

12. Think of more things to add to this list

13. Make it to tomorrow.

Clarendon Thrills

I live in a town where everyone know everybody's everything.

A walk down the street becomes a stroll down memory lane. Every white picket fenced house is home to somebody who is anybodies aunt, who is probably, also, everybody's dentist. We are a town of "givers"- we are there the second the diagnosis is printed and the moment the casket is buried, although we are probably too busy to be there in between. We consume ourselves in everybody's gossip- who wore what where and which couples are having what problems. We are a town where everyone is optimistic until it is trendy to be pessimistic.

I live in a town where nobody knows anybodies anything.

Where my next door neighbors, bless their hearts, send me a birthday card for an age they have to subtract from their own to figure out. Every conversation is shallow, short talk followed by shorter listenings. We are a town of "she's so nice!" and nothing more. We know nothing of personalities, no knowledge of what makes who who other than the clothes they wear, the people they talk to, the money they spend. We are a town of whatever will get us on to the next thing to get on to.

I guess you could call this town a conglomeration of selective listeners.

How I'm feeling right now

Uuuuuggggggghhhhhhhhh

An ode to influence

Maybe I have a weaker independent-will than I always assumed I had, but I am noticing how much my behavior is impacted by the people I am with.

The majority of my friends are the types of people who inspire me to be a better person. When I am with them, it is so easy to be honest, respectful, fun-loving, and amiable because they have all of those charisteristics. With them, anything less than absolute poise feels taboo.

There are, however, some people who cause me to make terrible decisions. People who want me to disrespect teachers, blow off friends, gossip, lie, and think of myself before others. And although I could never dislike these people themselves because I am sure they are kind and well intentioned at heart, I can, and do, dislike the person I am when I am with them.

They say integrity is who you are when no one is looking. I think that is complete bull shit. Anyone can be a nice person without others around to influence your every move, but it takes a genuine, honest person to be that same personality around people who act the complete opposite way. A good person makes good decisions regardless of who he or she is with. In fact, the the person who can surround himself with awful people and still be independently strong is, in my opinion, a better person than he who is always surrounded by good people.

As great as an impact people can have on my decisions, the same level can be turned the other way and that, to me, is one of the scariest thoughts to have. It makes me wonder, am I ever truly my self or am I always just a product of my environment? Which one of these influenced personalities is the real me? I know which one I am more consistently, but I also know the type of people I surround myself with more often.

For now, I am aiming to spend more time with the people who make me the type of person I want to be. And even if that is not the real me, at least it is a me I can grow to love.

A toast, to giving toasts!

I really really like giving toasts. There is something about having everyone's attention for the sake of complementing the people you are with that is so enticing to me. Toasts give you a reason to moosh on the people you care about, to be completely honest about the things that seem to formal to say otherwise. In short, when people are as gleaming as the girls I am honored to call my friends, they deserve to hear it.

So cheers! To everyone who made
my summer what it was. Cheers to the people that I didn't see over the break, the people I am excited to see once school starts. Cheers to the things I learned, and double cheers to the people who saw enough in me to teach me those things. Cheers to the conversations that were shared, because, although I will soon forget the words that were said, I will always remember how they made me feel. Cheers to the days I took for granted and the nights I took for more than they were. Cheers to every step taken, song sung, memory made, smile cracked, hand held, and moment spent in undeniable bliss. Cheers to the challenges that engulfed me, for they too have sculpted me into who I am. Cheers to tonight! Cheers to my friends! Cheers to another unforgettable summer!

And with that, we enter a new, senior period full of plenty of opportunities for making toasts. Hopefully I will remember to take those chances when they present themselves because every great moment deserves a cheers!

The real me is at the end

To all of you who have talked to me in the last three days (or read my tweets for that matter) you may have noticed an uncharacteristic shift in my attitude. Between my new obsession with chanting IHE (I hate everything-- shutout to you know who you are) and a new found appreciation for swear words, it would be fair to say that I have been pretty pissed off lately. In fact, I fear, I may be becoming a (gulp) pessimist.

Prior to this week, I had always made it a point to not accept stress into my life and I still believe that it is completely useless and deleterious to a human being's well being. But what I now understand is that at times it is unavoidable. I used to lecture my friends about caring too much. They, like I do now, needed to stop, smell the roses and put everything into a grander perspective. But at times like this, I realize that people can become powerless to the situations they are placed in.

The worst part is that as dissatisfied as certain things are making me right now, my own dissatisfaction is what is keeping me this way. It's like, I am acknowledging how unhappy I am and, because of the stress-free life I have always preached, am only becoming more unhappy.

But really, what the fuck am I supposed to do about it?

Because, as I've recently discovered, some problems are not so easily solved. Sometimes all you can do is stick your feet out of the window, feel the wind, and accept that this is where you are.

Post-judged (be nice!)

I am not a wishful person
But I hope to god its true
That I would never be
As cold a heart as you

Your smirk, it reeks of judgment
Your smile is less than dull
Yet you've tricked us into thinking
That you're a kinder soul

Still despite your manipulation
Your insults and your grief
I find myself believing
That you deserve relief

For although you hate my being
And flaunt it obviously
You don't deserve to feel
Like your cruelness has made me

So judgement, meet acceptance
And maybe soon you'll find
That although it sounds too simple
It wouldn't kill you to be kind

Raw

Part of growing older, I have noticed, is realizing how honest your past decisions were. What I mean by this is as we are presented with new opportunities, we may doubt the choices we once made. Sometimes a commitment you made three years ago may seem to be holding you back from the things that feel important now.

But, you still made that commitment at one point. Three years ago, it sounded like the best possible option.

And so, when you are doubting that commitment, think back to the moment you swore this was the future you wanted. Do you remember how raw that emotion was? You had no idea what you were getting yourself into, but at the time it was ALL you wanted. It was the thing you were dreaming about when your teacher found you unprepared to answer her questions. It was the thing that kept you home during a double snow day, perfecting any application that could ensure you would get you there. Don't you remember how badly you wanted it? And now you have it, so don't ever doubt it. Ever.

Madonna says her lover makes her feel like a virgin, touched for the very first time. That's how you should feel whenever you look back on the decisions you made. Remember how life changing, how raw, this once was for you. Be happy that you HAVE something that was once the only thing you wanted.

Big green cliche

Here's the thing, I'm a complainer. I see something I want, realize I don't have it, and whine about it. I guess you could call me green with envy. Don't people say that?

But in reality, when I think about things, I am so lucky. Not only do I have the close on my back, but if they rip I have money to buy more. I have never worried about when my next meal will be, except for when my mother cooked the fish I don't like. I can walk home at night, and although I may subconsciously hear creaks and howls, I have nothing to fear. I am full, safe, educated, healthy, happy, and without a worry bigger than which friends I will spend senior spring break with.

But the same cannot be said for everyone else. And with all that I know others do not have, It feels greedy to not be satisfied with what I do have. It has become so easy for me to wish for better, instead of loving what I have as the best.

How could I ever complain about anything at all? How could I ever claim to be hungry when I have a pantry, nay two pantries, full of luxuries? How could I ever whine over having to follow a curfew when I have a family here to enforce one for me? How could I ever cry over my parent's diagnoses when I know we have the health insurance to provide her with the best possible options? How could I ever feel dissatisfied with my relationship status when women are being beaten by the people they think love them? How could I ever envy another life when I am here, breathing existence into my own?

Sure, things may feel rough at times, but the reality is I am among the luckiest people in this world. Even without the materialistic things I claim as my own, I have a life. And frankly, that should be enough. How could I ever complain?

We're not alone; we've got fuel for the fire

After hours of blazing flame, campfires always diminish themselves into the same dying state. The logs, white with ash, crackle slowly through almost fluorescent embers that molt off of their host. Despite the lack of motion, it is hot. Sometimes the quietest of flames can keep you warmest at the end of a night. A flame may pop out here and now, but essentially the fire is, no pun intended, ashes of what it used to be.

But the fire is not dead. Poke the burial ground, and it will again show off its ability to flame. As if the dormant fire was just waiting for a reminder that someone was still there, a reason to keep burning.

Furthermore, if given the chance, the fire will spread to a new base. Place even the smallest of twigs in the pit and it will catch flame, giving an otherwise useless item something wonderful. And although the fire is always willing to share its light with whatever it can get a hold of, never will it abandon the log from which it came.

So the log burns on and today turns into tomorrow and slowly something new and brighter (perhaps, in this case, the stars) pulls you away from the fire pit. And although it will be glowing when you leave it, the next time you return the fire, having no one left to burn for, will have finally found death. The surrounding stones, still black from burn, still smell like smoke, still warm to the touch, show a lasting sign of the fire's influence, a reminder that it existed at all.


It is also important to note that this post has almost nothing to do with fire. Just think about it, yo.

Cruise control

My mother told me today to monitor what I blog because some of my posts could be more productively exaggerated into college essays. And although I understand where she was coming from, her suggestion really upset me. This blog is what I am doing right now. College essays, although they will become important soon, are not a part of THIS moment. I will have things to write about and will write about them but not now, not at 11:38 on August 13. Why can I not enjoy what is in the present instead of thinking of what could be in the future?

It's true, in life, there are always great things to look forward to. However, the path you are walking right now is undeniably filled with flowers if you take the time to notice them. If you are always looking for your next turn, the next exit, the next rest stop, you may miss the avenue on which you belong. So lift your head from the map for a while and enjoy the road on which you're traveling.

Because, anyway, all roads lead to the future.

Locavore

This past year I took an Earth Science class in which about 1/5 of the material was astronomy. Besides the meteorology unit, astronomy, like most of my peers, was my favorite. Learning about outer space is so abstract yet equally as relevant to life on earth. We are, after all, a part of our own universe.

By the end of the class, I knew so much about things that are trillions of light years away, and for each measure of knowledge I had double that in interest. I think it is human nature to obsess over astronomy and other non-tangible subjects. It's just cool as shit. But it is so far away, so irrelevant to our day by day existence.

I could tell you the entire life-cycle of a sun sized star and would find it exciting and ponderous. I could not, however, tell you my next door neighbor's last name. I will never set foot on the moon, but I know more about it than the people whose yard I cut across every morning. My favorite constellation, Cassiopeia, is only getting further from where I am, as the universe is endlessly expanding. Yet I feel closer to that thrown of stars than I do to the 7 year old twins that live down the block because I think about it and see it nightly. Those little twins are, unfortunately, of little concern to me. And although the Milky Way may collide with its neighboring galaxy, I will likely never talk to half the people on my own street. That is sad.

Why is the far-off prioritized over the locally grown? Why am I so much more interested in things that are so galaxies away than things that are in my own backyard? Why can't I just be happy with the tangible wonders I come in contact with daily, as opposed to obsessing over things that should be of no concern to me? Why can't I consume myself in local knowledge, rather than day-dream about stellar extremities?

Ridin' solo

People fear loneliness. It is an undeniable fact. Women buy cats in their old age to eliminate the feeling. Mothers send their children to day camps to ensure that their sons and daughters will find companionship. Inter-city teenagers join gangs to feel like their part of something: to feel less alone.

I think it has to do with insecurity; people want to be seen around other people so that they will feel less judged. When in fact, companionship is much more cruel than its counterpart. Humans are flawed and jealous creatures by nature. Because we dislike ourselves so much, we feel the need to judge the people we are with to prove we are not the worst. For example, I can be really stubborn so when I see someone who changes his or her mind constantly, I (although I try not to) might point it out to someone else. Because, when someone has a flaw opposite of my own and other people agree it is a flaw, it makes my own problem seem better than the alternative. And you do it too. I know you do.

However, when we are alone, the only judgement we have to deal with is our own. And although I will be the first to say that we all are our own worst critics, at least it is a criticism we can justify. We know all the things that suck about us, but when other people try to point them out, it feels like they have no right to assume those things, even if they are true. It's kind of freeing knowing that, when you are alone, there can be no lies. Everything you say about yourself is what you actually think about yourself, and therefor the truth.

So, what I am trying to say, is that loneliness isn't as bad as people let on. For as much as I love love love my friends (see previous blog post entitled "worthless"), there is something about being alone that is comforting. So let's try to eliminate the negative stigma that surrounds the modern "lone wolf". And as the rest of the world enjoys their harsh and judging friendships, consider the freedom of loneliness.

Confessions of a 12th grade chatterbox

Hello world wide web! As a change of pace from my past couple of angst-filled attempts at insight that I call blog posts, I wanted to take this space to thank every person I have ever communicated with. And although this could (and probably should) be a never ending list of all of the people who have taught me something, either directly or indirectly, I think it is much more timely that I focus on one specific quality possessed by everyone I spend time to which I owe thanks.

Thanks you, friends, family, teachers, classmates, waiters, neighbors, ad everyone in between for tolerating me. After spending this evening with some friends, I got to thinking about how obnoxious I must be. Not only do I tend talk about pointless, uninteresting topics, but I do so faster and more often than is necessary. I am a self-depricating, annoying, loud, and overbearing teenager and am so lucky that people will still spend time with me. My friends, I'm convinced, are the most patient, tolerant, and amiable human beings for voluntarily emerging themselves in my company. Thank you for letting me be the overly-eager human that I am. Thank you for not laughing at my giddiness. Thank you for faking an interest in my naive philosophies. Thank you so, so much for putting up with me. If I were in anyone else's shoes, I don't think I could do it.

Umbrella free

The thing about experiencing something amazing is that most people don't care that you did it. You could be checking something off your bucket list- a life's goal- and feel on top of the world, but unless a person was there to experience it with you, it is likely that it will mean nothing to them. I think that is why it is so important that we strive to do the following two things:

1. Share experiences with people you are excited to be around. How great is it to see someone after months of absence and be able to reflect of the memorable times you've had together? If they were there, they know what it was like. Having friends to share in your enthusiasm makes the experience that much more enthusiasm-worthy.

2. Learn to enjoy your own company. Having an interest in one's own personally memorable moments is what makes an interesting person an interesting person.

Is this hypocrisy?

Today I started reading the second of my summer reading books, "On Writing Well" by William Zinsser. Within the first ten pages I knew it would soon become my bible. (cheers to cliches!) The most eye opening lesson the book has taught me thus far is how unnecessary so many of the words I write are. Zinsser, of course, was referring to superfluous adjectives and repetitive adverbs that fill mediocre prose. Of the sentences I write, how many of them simply repeat a previous thought? He stressed not to keep a meaningless thought simply because it sounds beautiful. Let the ideas themselves emulate beauty.

And this got me thinking, besides the adjectives and adverbs and irrelevant prepositions, how many complete thoughts have I written down that just don't matter? Certainly the content of this blog is a start. These thoughts I'm blogging have either been said before or are useless to society. Just like calling the skyscraper "tall" or the child "young" is a wast of space, so too are most of my thoughts. This blog is an adjective. It is not DOING anything or TAKING us anywhere; it just fills space. Yet, I still feel the need to write these thoughts down and you, whoever you are, still feel the need to read them. But why? Maybe, as Zinsser warns, it is for the sake of beauty. But maybe, just maybe, I keep writing and you keep reading in hopes of someday finding a verb.

Up on the rooftop

I have written and rewritten this post nearly a dozen times and have finally decided that there is no understandable way to depict what I am trying to express here. So bare with me and I will try to make some sense out of this thought I am having.

Both of my parents remarried about ten years ago and introduced me to a new part of my life: step-family. And although I love each one of my step siblings, the whole concept still seems new to me. Every day feels like yesterday I had only two brothers and today I am waking up to a house full of seven. I am so regularly reminded of my old family, seeing as the members are now a part of this new family, that comparatively this ten year long marriage still seems fresh and itching.

But it's been ten years. I have been alive for seventeen. Over half of my life has been spent in a situation that STILL feels new to me. My mom could remarry again or my brother could have a baby and having a stepdad would still feel new to me. Say I live to be 80. The first seven years of my life were spent in my old family and the last 72 were spent with the new. My stepfamily will have been a part of me for 93% of my life and that small 7% will still feel more comfortable than their unavoidable newness. How minuscule of a portion of time my old family will become the longer I live, but that will not make me more used to the fact that there is something new.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is that as long as you are connected to that which is old, everything else will feel unnervingly new. Change is inevitable, but so is our link to what we changed from.