Hungry

I don't know why, but today I could not stop eating. I came home from the park at 10 pm and, within the first twenty minutes, knocked out three pieces of pizza, a box of wheat thins, and two clementines. I should probably be more ashamed of how the night progressed, embarrassed of what is actually left in my pantry. But I am not. I am so lucky to have a full pantry and there are worse things I could be doing than eating too much food. What does concern me, however, was the lack of reason behind my senseless eating

Really, my day has been okay -- no reason to celebrate but also no unusual or unexpected stress. It's not like I was trying to distract myself from any approaching test or make up for a missed meal this morning. Besides, food isn't something I usually would turn to, even if something was wrong. My day was fine, normal. I guess I was just hungry and that confused me.

Not sure what was happening, I sent a message (in all caps) to three of my friends. As always, they were wonderful and suggested I switch to healthier alternatives. And, the more and more they encouraged me, the more and more I realized that I wasn't even hungry. In fact, I was quite full. But still, I sliced another apple and unscrewed the jar of peanut butter because something in my body was telling me that I had to.

One of my best friends reminded me that, "we all have those days." And I agree, But, now it is midnight and this isn't just one day anymore. This isn't just "one of those days" because now it is tomorrow and who knows when I will find it in me to stop. My senseless eating didn't go away with the arrival of tomorrow. Nothing is going to stop until I figure out how to put the god-damned fork down.

So maybe I am not hungry; maybe I am just empty. Maybe pasta and cookies and Gatorade and Cheerios are never going to fill me up. Maybe I keep shoving food in my mouth, hoping eventually I will feel as full as I have in the past. Maybe sitting alone at the park made me feel small and feeling small made me feel empty and I tried to fill that with food. Maybe I really am missing something substantial right now. Maybe I am trying to strengthen my bones with milk because most of me is feeling pretty weak. Maybe I am surrounding my organs with protein, hoping to crush them into a less hallow state. Maybe I am afraid to stop eating because I fear what I might do next.

Or maybe I am just hungry. Fuck, I don't know.


It will be interesting, between this bing and this post, to see which of these I regret more in the morning.